Day 2 - Cry baby crying a river

Oh boy oh boy.  This day was, well, a little wet.  I was already tense, was already feeling a little weak today.  I couldn’t shake any of the fear out of me today.  I wasn’t ready to take a chance at anything.  It almost felt as if I took 10 steps back.  Any progress I made on day 1, I felt I had erased it.  I stepped into the water, and as usual my sweet, super encouraging, full of life coach asked me what I wanted to do today.  Did I tell you how old she is?  Take a moment and guess.  No, not in her 20s.  Not 40s.  She’s 78 years old and looks an amazing mid-50s I think. 

She’s just one incredible person I’ve met in my life.  She’s so calm and comforting, and lets me move at my pace.  That’s one thing I love about her.  She never forces me to do anything.  Her motto was always, “I cant force you to do anything. The minute you learn that you’re not meant to sink.  The minute you trust yourself, you’ll be on your way”  I said to her that day, I just want to learn to relax.  I just can’t seem to relax.  She’s always advised that I will learn, and what’s going to help me the most is spending more time in the water; especially coming in outside of class time.  This was the one place I loved, and on day 1, it felt so good and I was so nervous but still excited.  But I want to shake this fear out of me.  But on my 2^nd day, I was letting every bit of fear and anxiety get to me.

Anything I would do… try to float on my back or belly, I would immediately panic.  And panic would lead to tears.  I asked my coach to hold me, and still, I couldn’t relax.  I’d make her put me down right away.  Before I knew, I was a cry-baby that couldn’t stop crying.  I truly was crying a river in the pool.  I would stand in the 4 ft water, and take my goggles off to clean every 5 minutes.  And I’d stare out to into thin air, or the water or at my coach…and cry my eyes out.  There were moments when I would cry and laugh at the same time.  I’d say “why am I crying like this? Whats wrong with me? Why am I such a mess?” Me crying like that was getting under my skin so much, that it was making me cry more than my fear of learning to swim.  The day ended with well, with not a lot of progress.  I stepped into the showers, and I kept crying.  I think I had cracked at that point.  

Day 1 - Hello Water!

Every single strand of hair (from my toes, legs, arms, fuzz on the belly/back, head, and everything in between) had perked up the minute I stepped into the supposed 85degree pool.  Mind you, its been quite sometime since this body had met with an indoor pool. 85 degrees is not truly that.  Its cold.

The last time I was in the pool was in Puerto Rico  for a short 4 day vaca the husband and I took a few months back.  That was an outdoor pool, which i hadn't really taken a dip in.  I only hung out at the swim-up bar where I was sitting on a barely-in-the-water-stool, and was sipping on my fancy tropical drink with a pineapple wedge and a mini umbrella.  And as I was guzzling those delicious concoctions, I was making smiling back at the husband who was doing laps.  I have to admit, it was amazing.  We'd  get hit with flash rain showers.  I felt like Rachel McAdams in the Notebook when she comes back to meet her Noah, and they take a boat ride out in the lake, and they get hit with torrential rain.  Yes, that may be a stretch, but it was romantic.

I digress for a min.  So as I step into the pool, i had goosebumps like no other from the warm/cool water.  Anywho, we finally get wet.  Though I am clinching onto my limbs.  The coach promised that I would be fine after a few minutes, which I suppose I was.  She said since this is day 1, we're just going to "play".  And I said, Okay.  I was super nervous but so excited that I had taken the plunge.  I was so determined.  She asked me to take some dips.  Take a deep breath, jump a bit, and dip your whole body in.  I had my goggles on; she wanted me to keep my eyes open and look at her under water. By the way, we held onto the wall :)  That wasn't so bad.  I learned the natural "buoyancy" our bodies have.  We kept trying that for some time.  To keep things moving, we now tried to blow bubbles.  She showed me the "bubble mouth" that people make under water.  I wasn't sure if i was down for this next activity.  She assured me,  "look, I promise you, I am right here so nothing will happen to you.  But we need you to be very comfortable with your face in the water."

Great, i can't swim and i am frigging scared as well and this lady wants my face in the water for at least 5 seconds.  Thats a long time!  I just learned to dip and now stay there for 5 seconds?!?!? But i was determined.  Took a deep breath and blew bubbles...above water!  ahahah.  Yes we just stayed up and made that face and noise we make when we see little babies.  Or its the noise kids make as if they're driving a car or motorcycle.  I needed to practice and it totally helped.

So, deep breath in and blow bubbles out.  Tried it in the water and it worked.  I had this down.  That got me excited.  Now she asked me to blow bubbles with my nose.  What?  But but but what if the bubbles don't come out and go the other way?  here we go.  I just learned with my mouth and now nose?  Fine, I'll give it a try.  Take a deep breath in and blow bubbles through your nose.  OMG, FAIL.  That did not work and water went into my nose...made me feel like i was suffocating!!!!! Ugh.  Worse feeling ever. And I should mention, i am also claustrophobic sometimes!

But then she pulled out a trick.  She said I want you to hum.  What? You mean, make noise, under water, going "hummmmm..."?  Yes.  Will people hear me? Who knows.  But I had to give it a try.  And so I did.  Deep breath, dip, and hmmmmm for 5 seconds.  OMG, it worked!  Nose bubbles under water! yayay.  I was so happy.    Hello water and bubbles under water! It was a good day 1. 

Step 1 before day 1

Committing to learn how to swim.  Ever since I was, oh about 10 or 11, I've had this fear of drowning.  Perhaps this fear began even before that.  I was born in India, in some remote village, with no big body of water nearby.  We also didn't have a mode of transportation other then public transport to go anywhere.  We also didn't have a "reason" to go anywhere besides around town and to/from relative's homes.  We really didn't go on any vacations.  Okay so that may have sounded a bit sad, but it never felt that way.  It was just the life style I grew up in.  Getting back to the body of water... so the only time we saw water was during the monsoon season when we'd get hit with torrential rain causing all the creeks and rivers to overflow.  Somehow we still had to make it to school in that.  If I could create a painting of this, imagine walking across a bridge made of cement blocks and when you look over its a massive, perhaps even angry flow of brown mud water.  So high that if I were to sneak my legs over the ledge ever so slightly, my feet would take a nice dip and get caught in whatever is floating through there.  When I walked across this bridge, I did look over to see what could be floating through.  And I'd see huge trees and a few other objects.  Now that sounds scary, and maybe a little bit of that memory stayed with me.  Getting back to the body of water... so that was the only time I witnessed in India big massive body of water.  My parents certainly didn't feel the need to throw me into a pool or ocean; well, because we didn't have one near by.  And they too have never really learned to swim.  It just wasn't "necessary."  Fast forward to our big lottery - coming to America, where anything is possible if you're ready to kill yourself lol j/k.  When a family in any remote village in India, China, Indonesia, etc gets an offer to come to America, noone ever seems to provide a guide of "what's really going to happen when you get there." Perhaps thats the beauty of it, that you can truly get to wherever you want depending on the route you choose, if you choose one at all.  I digress, thats a different story for another day.  Getting back to the body of water... once we arrived to the land of dreams, we landed in Los Angeles, CA.  Nothing ever looked so beautiful.  My uncle, aunt, and cousins who welcomed us, also showed us around town.  They took us to near by beautiful beaches.  It was one of those days that I so vividly remember, standing where the waves were crashing so quietly.  The water barely got up to my knees.  Somehow I lost balance and I fell.  But when I fell, a certain panic set in that I had drowned or was going to.  Ever since then, that fear has grown to a monster size fear.  Growing up, going to college, I've certainly taken trips to the beach around this country and to the islands or mexico.  And yes, I do step into the pool but only enough to hang on to the side walls.  And yes, I do step into the ocean but only enough to let myself get wet up to my knees.  So why do I stop so short? I don't know.  And I actually do love the feeling of being in the water, there is a sense of calmness and peace I get.  It truly feels like the quietest place I've ever experienced - and this I get by letting the water come up only to my knees... so I want to know what it feels like I were to let myself go fully into the water.  So this year 2012, its my new years resolution to learn how to swim.  If I can achieve learning how to swim, I truly will have overcome a massive phobia.  PS - I should have mentioned, my parents for some reason also gave me a name that means "the goddess of water" - so you can tell, I truly owe it myself to learn how to swim, if not for anything else... I have to at least live up to my name :)